Yes, this whole time, I’ve been lying to you. I’ve been talking about transparency and openness and vulnerability as keys to letting go of shame around having herpes. And I haven’t been being entirely open, vulnerable and shameless. I have been afraid. I’ve given convenient excuses to my friends and family who know about the Herpes Opportunity, and I’ve provided excuses to myself. And through those excuses, I think that in a way, I’ve been perpetuating the stigma, perpetuating the idea that as a person with herpes, I need to hide to protect myself. Believing that if people knew the truth that they would have judgments. They would reject me. It’s been a part of my own long-term process of “coming out of the herpes closet.” And as much as it was truly a part of my process, there was also this nagging voice in me that said I wasn’t practicing what I preached. I felt like a fraud. And I apologize.
And now I’m ready to come clean … *deep breath* … My actual name is not Dale …
My actual name is not Dale. It’s Adrial Dale. Nice to meet you.My first name is Adrial. My last name is Dale. Full name? You’ve probably already put that together by now: I’m Adrial Dale. Nice to meet you.
And you know what? Initially, a rush of fear and nausea comes over me. The fear of who might find out my true identity, what they might think … And then after that passes, I feel liberated. I feel lighter. It’s ironic. The very thing that I was holding back was actually eating away at me. Whether or not it was a big deal to anyone else what name I used, it was clearly bugging me in the background. It was a big deal to ME, whether I liked it or not. I realize now that my own integrity was trying to get my attention and I wasn’t acting on it.
The convenient excuses I was giving myself
Excuse #1: “I have a unique first name. What if people from my past search for my name on the web and find out I’m ‘that herpes guy.’ What if they have negative associations and judgments against herpes? I won’t have the opportunity to disclose to them on my own terms. Their own judgments might get the better of them and paint their perspective of me in a negative way.”Excuse #2: “I’m a freelance graphic designer (shameless plug: adrialdesigns.com … Ding!). If my clients search for my name, they’ll find out I have herpes. What will they think? Will I lose clients? I’d better not risk it. Not a good business decision.”Excuse #3: “Using an alias is just part of my process. Eventually I’ll reveal my real name. But not now. I’ll wait until I have more support from people who have been helped by the Herpes Opportunity before I do that.” (Note: This is not to say that I’m expecting myself to be totally transparent about everything that I have shame about, but I recognized that the time for hiding had long passed.)
The beliefs that I was choosing to believe
The fact that I felt I needed to cover up my identity was fueled by some pretty convincing beliefs. What I’m realizing now are how patently FALSE these beliefs are. Here they are, as I can see them now:
False belief #1: Most people believe herpes, and subsequently people with herpes, to be dirty and morally impure. (Sounds like a very open-minded assumption, huh?)False belief #2: I need to protect myself from judgment and possible negative stereotypes and the resulting consequences of such judgment/stereotypes. (Total victim mentality sporting itself here.)False belief #3: If my clients know I have herpes, they won’t want to work with me. (Because we all know you can get herpes from getting a website designed for you, after all, right?)
False belief #4: If people find out I have herpes, I will be ridiculed and made fun of. (That says more about them than it does about me.)What do all these beliefs have in common? They’re all allowing me to hide, to play it small, to shy away from the truth so that I won’t have to grow. Ultimately, these beliefs all spring from the fear that if people know the truth about me, I’ll be alone. Unloved. The essence of shame …
The truth (coincidentally, the main messages of the Herpes Opportunity)
So what brought all this sudden transparency on?
I wish I could say that I simply had a profound personal epiphany that prompted me to come out with my real name on my own accord … but that’s not how it happened. I asked my social media wizard and all-around-great-guy friend Mike Morrell to school me on getting the Herpes Opportunity message out there to a wider audience. He excitedly agreed to help however he could. Little did I know that his help would include him immediately posting to his Facebook wall — and tagging me, yes, my personal facebook (which, if you don’t know facebook, is basically like posting on my personal wall)! At that moment of terror, I was about to politely ask him to edit his post to not include me, thank you very much. Then I realized something: this was MY opportunity to shed another layer of shame. And so here I am. All raw and vulnerable to the world. Yikes! And I have Mike to thank. If it weren’t for his “slip-up” this opportunity wouldn’t have presented itself. Interesting how that works, huh? So, just to get Mike back, here’s his website: http://www.mikemorrell.org
So there you have it …
I hope you forgive me for not sharing myself fully. I also hope this helps you in your own process of revealing yourself more fully to the world. Because hiding only promotes more hiding. And the shame grows. So let’s come out of the shadows more … it’s a beautiful day. Let’s enjoy it.
So, I’m wondering how shame might be having you hold yourself back? Can you relate at all? Are you feeling deceived and angry? I want to hear it all. Hop on this herpes forum post and share. I’d love to hear from you and we can all help dissolve the shame together as a community …
