Guest author from our community: Beckie
For years, I found ways to deny that I have herpes. My first herpes outbreak was brutal and traumatic, but after that, I never had another herpes outbreak. At the time of the onset, I was in a committed relationship with a supportive partner. And because I wasn’t having any outbreaks to remind me I had herpes, I did a very good job of forgetting about it. And even when I did feel occasional tingling, itching or discomfort, my mind didn’t immediately think it was related to herpes prodrome symptoms — I just brushed it off as nothing.
“I believe I’m going to be able to heal now … because I dealt with the root issue …”So yeah, on one hand the herpes was manageable for me and I was able to move on fairly quickly from it. But on the other hand, I’d had a huge amount of emotion triggered with the herpes diagnosis, and instead of dealing with it, I shoved it back down into my body. I couldn’t deal with it. It was too heavy. Too painful. I wasn’t strong enough yet. And I can have compassion for myself about this — it was a mountain of baggage.
Nevertheless, because I wasn’t dealing with my mountain of shame through having herpes, my body needed another outlet. So guess what? My inherited varicose veins started getting worse. Despite the fact I was losing weight and eating healthier than I’ve ever eaten. Interesting, right? Sure, science would say they’re genetic and inevitably would get worse over time, but I don’t really buy that. Something within my mind/body was causing them to get worse within this time frame. And for me, they were absolutely a trigger for shame. Every message I ever took in from society taught me they’re unsightly, disgusting and should be hidden (sound familiar?).
From my place of reflection today, I find it just too coincidental that the varicose veins started to get noticeably worse around this time. It was like my body said, “Damn. She’s not dealing with the shame through the herpes. Well, let’s make the veins worse and see if she’ll process some of that shame and self-loathing now.” Fascinating. What’s strengthened this theory is the fact that once I really started to deal with the shame through joining the herpes support forums, talking with Adrial, writing the blog about curing herpes shame and doing the herpes interview video, I experienced a shift in my perception of my veins.
I started tapping into some awesome self-love, and began to see my legs through a different lens – with love and compassion instead of shame and self-loathing. Think about it: my body didn’t manifest cancer or diabetes or something else that gets compassion from society. Nope, when I didn’t deal with the herpes, my mind and body manifested shameful varicose veins. I had to start dealing with my deeply layered shame that was building up like a pressure cooker. That emotion had to go somewhere.
So now that I’m on the other side of all this, here’s my whacky idea: Because I’ve finally dealt with the majority of my shame, guilt, self-loathing and self-doubt through tackling the herpes, my belief is that my body isn’t going to need to process it through my vascular system anymore. I can finally handle my emotions and process them gently and easily. I don’t need to bury them, meaning my body doesn’t have to find a way to deal with it physically.
Call me crazy, but I really do believe I’m going to be able to heal my veins now. Because I dealt with the root issue that was creating them. I got the lesson. No proof yet, but I’ll keep you posted! Oh yeah, and the scientists in Vaccine-land can come out with a herpes cure now. Thanks for waiting for me. I’m ready now.
Much love,
Beckie
