This is a question brought up a lot on the Herpes Opportunity forums.
“Should I / How do I disclose that I get cold sores to potential partners before kissing them?”
The answer can be a confusing one, simply because it’s up to the individual on what’s right or not. And there has been a great debate on the forum before about it, and recently another question on this topic has been thrown into the ring …
So let’s get into this question a bit deeper, shall we?
“If 80% of people have cold sores, whose responsibility is it to bring it up? Those who have it or those who don’t?”The reason this conversation is a bit hard to pin down is because when it comes to oral herpes (HSV-1) specifically, 80% of Americans 14-49 years old have it. Now that’s a VAST majority of people, isn’t it? We’re not just talking a measly barely-tipping-the-scales 51% majority or anything. So considering this statistic, with whom does the responsibility to bring up the topic fall? (In a perfect world, we all would be talking about every aspect of our sexual and intimate histories with each other before getting intimate, but that ain’t the world we live in.)
Here’s another way to think of this without herpes specifically as the topic … Here’s the scenario: Eight out of 10 people in a room are sick with the flu virus. All 10 people know before walking into the room that 80% of the people in that room are sick with the flu. Which group should be covering their mouths? The 8 people who are sick or the 2 people who aren’t? You’ll find people to argue either point. What it comes down to is this: What does your integrity tell you to do considering the circumstances? Would you feel guilty if you kissed someone without telling them you have oral herpes (cold sores)?
My personal opinion is we just have the conversation, regardless of whether or not herpes is on the mouth or genitals. It’s still an opportunity to have an important conversation and care about someone else’s health. Imagine if before we even kissed, a nonchalant “Hey, just FYI I get cold sores — just like 80% of us — and just wanted to let you know. Do you get cold sores?” Doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker-feeling conversation. No shame. No guilt. No weirdness. Just a simple conversation about herpes. No biggie. That’s the world I want to live in. Where everyone can talk openly about something simple like herpes so it can open the door to deeper conversations and deeper connection.
So what do YOU think? Click here for the post if you’d like to join in on the discussion.
“Yeah, but what about ‘down there’? Ahem, (oral sex) …”
This leads to the obvious next question that’s asked … what about herpes and oral sex? You see, this is where this discussion gets fascinating (as far as I’m concerned). Why? Because what if someone has genital herpes of the HSV-1 variety (read about the differences between HSV-1 and HSV-2) and their partner goes down on them (after a proper herpes talk, of course), then what makes the potential of passing HSV-1 to that person’s mouth any different than passing it to their mouth if you have oral herpes and kiss them? The end result is the same: HSV-1 is passed to their mouth (to recap, which 80% of Americans ages 14-49 have). [Sidenote: There are also a lot of questions about receiving oral sex when you have HSV-2; there is less than a 1% chance of passing genital HSV-2 to your partner.]
This confusing double standard between no shame in oral herpes, but mucho shame in genital herpes is proof positive to me that our culture has a severe sexual shaming problem. The fact that we get something through kissing doesn’t have any stigma, but if we get something through expressing ourselves in a sexual manner, we might want to consider shaming our natural urges? Bull honkey. Yeah, I said it. Bull honkey. Time to realize that sex is a natural, beautiful thing. No shame belongs in sex. So how do we shift it? With ourselves first. Accept yourself with herpes. Disclose with self-acceptance and integrity. The stigma will shift, I promise you. Start now.
