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Scenario: You meet someone. You really like this someone. Definite connection. Definite mojo. The time for disclosing — “Hey, I have herpes” — is here. What is this time like for you? What feelings come up? Fear? Shame? Avoidance? Those are all common reactions, but let’s dig deeper as to why these are showing up …
Disclosing and shame the same?
It seems that the disclosure itself brings up a lot of feelings of shame. But what is it that you’re actually ashamed of? Is it the shame of disclosing, the shame of herpes or both? What does disclosure mean to you? Does it mean that you’re “admitting” to something that is embarrassing, dirty, stigmatizing? Has the act of disclosing become synonymous with the stigma of herpes itself? It might just be the opposite if you think about it.
Time for the reframe: Another take on disclosure
Try looking through a different pair of glasses. Here, try these on: The disclosure itself is the beautiful part of this whole thing. How is it beautiful? Because it’s you; it’s not the herpes, not the stigma. Don’t lump those together. Disclosure is you acting on your positive qualities, which might just overshadow the herpes stigma. Disclosing is declaring “I care! I choose to be honest, authentic, open with you!” If you’ve convinced yourself that herpes is the poison, then disclosure is the antidote. If herpes is the lie about you, then disclosure is the truth about you. If herpes is the part you don’t have control over, disclosure is the part you do. Disclosure takes your power back.
If you feel ashamed when disclosing, ask yourself … “Am I ashamed of my honesty? Am I ashamed of my courage, my integrity, my authenticity, my strength, my belief in building a trusting foundation for a relationship?” There’s no shame in your core values. And the right person will recognize that in you.
It’s not always easy … but it’s worth it
The possible reactions from disclosing that you have herpes are varied, from outright rejection and wild judgment to unconditional acceptance and angels singing your courage and honesty – and everything in between. There are so many factors that go into a person’s beliefs around herpes. That’s why it’s helpful to remind yourself that there are two parts of a herpes disclosure: you and the other person. Your half you have control over; their half you don’t. And the more we can be cool with that, the more we can be cool with disclosure and what comes out of it. |
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