|  |  |  | |
| | Herpes Life | | |
| | | | |
| | | | |
| |
|
Are you suffering with herpes? Well, here’s the secret to moving on, to being happy: Just give up.
Hold on, stop the temper tantrum. Get up off the floor. Let’s be clear: Don’t give up on everything. Keep that good, positive hope. Give up that irrational hope you’re clinging to. That just-out-of-your-reach hope that’s keeping you from moving on with your life. Give up that nagging hope of finding a herpes cure (although it may happen). Give up hope that you’ll never have an outbreak again (although they do lessen with time). Give up hope that one day saying “I have herpes” to a potential partner will be easy-breezy (although disclosing can actually be a connecting experience). Give up hope that at some point, herpes won’t impact you in any way (although with time, it impacts you less and less).
Sound dismal? It’s only dismal if you expect that what you’re hoping for is possible. If it’s not possible, then you’re painting yourself into a pretty hopeless corner. It’s like holding out hope to win the lottery, waiting for that day that your true happiness will come. Your life is officially on hold until the lottery is won. You find yourself waiting forever (99.987% odds) — not to mention your numb fingertips from that mountain of scratch-off tickets.
Herpes and colostomy bags
Yes, herpes can be shitty at times, but this study takes shitty quite literally. A recent study published in the November 2009 issue of Health Psychology journal dealt with adults who had their colons removed. It shows us the “dark side of hope.” Out of the 71 no-colon patients, 41 were told they could have surgery to reconnect their bowels, while the rest were told nothing more could be done — they would have to learn to live with a colostomy bag.
Dr. Peter Ubel is one of the authors of the study. He says, “We’re not saying hope is a bad thing. What we’re pointing out is that there can be a dark side of hope. It can cause people to put their lives on hold. Instead of moving on and trying to make the best of circumstances, you can think, ‘my circumstances are going to change eventually — no point in dealing with these circumstances.’”
What are you waiting for?
So stop waiting! Giving up irrational hope is actually freeing: It frees you up to live your life with your current circumstances. Life naturally changes, shifts, evolves. We lose things, we gain things, and through it all we learn to live under constantly evolving circumstances. We learn about ourselves. So evolve! Live your life as it is right now.
“Worst” case scenario, a cure is never found, but you have learned to live with the fact that this simple little virus is just something to deal with, not worthy of pausing your life for.
“Best” case scenario, a cure is found and you can promptly throw this article in the trash and find something else to hope for.
But at least you didn’t put your life on hold while you waited. |
| |
| | |
| |
| | | | |
| | | | |
| |
|
Scenario: You meet someone. You really like this someone. Definite connection. Definite mojo. The time for the herpes disclosure — “Hey, got a minute? I have herpes” — is here. What is this time like for you? What feelings come up? Fear? Shame? Guilt? Avoidance? Those are all common reactions, but let’s dig deeper as to why these might be showing up …
Disclosing and shame the same?
It seems that the disclosure itself brings up a lot of feelings of shame. But what is it that you’re actually ashamed of? Is it the shame of disclosing, the shame of herpes … or both? What does herpes disclosure mean to you? Does it mean that you’re “admitting” to something that is embarrassing, dirty, stigmatizing? Has the act of disclosing become synonymous with the stigma of herpes itself? Or is it just the opposite?
Time for the reframe: Another take on disclosure
Try looking through a different pair of glasses. Here, try these on for fit: The disclosure itself is the beautiful part of this whole thing. Yep. How is it beautiful, you ask? Because it’s you; it’s not the herpes, not the stigma. Don’t lump those together. You haven’t magically become the herpes. Disclosure is you acting on your positive qualities, which might just brighten up the whole herpes stigma shadow. Disclosing is declaring “I care! I choose to be honest, authentic, open with you!” If you’ve convinced yourself that herpes is the poison, then disclosure is the antidote. If herpes is the lie about you, then disclosure is the truth about you. If herpes is the part you don’t have control over, disclosure is the part you do. Disclosure takes your power back and shows your true colors.
If you feel ashamed when disclosing, ask yourself … “Am I ashamed of my honesty? Am I ashamed of my courage, my integrity, my authenticity, my strength, my belief in building a trusting foundation for a relationship?” There’s no shame in who you are. And the right person will recognize that.
It’s not always easy … but it’s worth it
The possible reactions from disclosing that you have herpes are varied, from outright rejection and wild judgment to unconditional acceptance and angels singing your courage and honesty – and everything in between. There are so many factors that go into a person’s beliefs around herpes (what Oprah says, what their parents and friends have said, the Old Testament, knowledge or lack thereof, Valtrex commercials, the list goes on and on). That’s why it’s helpful to remind yourself that there are two parts of a herpes disclosure: you and the other person. Your half you have control over; their half you don’t. And the more you can be cool with that fact, the more you can be cool with disclosure and whatever comes out of it. Disclosure isn’t always easy, but it’s an opportunity to flex those muscles of who you truly are.
Consider this as an alternate definition of “courage.” Courage is feeling the fear, but doing what you feel is right anyway.
Incoming search terms for the article: |
| |
| | |
| |
|  | |  | |
|
